Saturday, January 15, 2005

finally !

spent yesterday evening at a greenbelt meeting and was well and truly told off by all and sundry for not posting enough ... fair point ... and i often think about it which is nearly the same as actually doing it

i struggle with the concept of blogging sometimes ... at first i really thought that about six people read it which meant i could sort of hold in my minds eye who i was writing to ... that swiftly faded as i realised that the blogging community is actually like a couple of housewives leaning on a fence gossiping word soon gets around and before you know it the most unexpected people are making comments about your life which would always make me wonder how they knew that about me

i've adjusted to that now ... and i guess if you are going to go this public with stuff then the price will be that anyone can actually read about you ... no bouncers on the door (your'e not reading this dressed like that!)

eventually i found myself in a new dilemma ... wanting to write about something but finding it an emotional subject to write about in public ... or not feeling comfortable being that vunerable because you can't control who sees it ... then feeling that honesty being the only currency i trade in not wanting to compromise and say a little or touch on things lightly that you really want to rant or open up about

i know it is my problem and i will work it through ... but the result is that i end up not blogging

bit of a waffly excuse but it is where i end up and this page just sits silently still not moving forward as if i am lying in a coma somewhere ... i'm not and i am ok ... have just been busy and tired and well let me try and explain briefly ... lightly and not get into it too deeply

found the whole experience of my friends being stuck in asia during the earthquake a bit traumatic ... they didn't die and they are now home safe but the process was scary and draining and frustrated the hell out of me that i could do so little (wanting to hire a lear jet but only being able to afford easy jet ... that kind of thing :)

being involved meant we focused on it day and night ... where normally we would probably have watched and said how awful and sent some money and got on with our day ... not this time ... and then not liking the shallowness of our lives in the face of all that anguish

having a friend stay who is about to go off travelling in latin america for six months and fretting about his safety and him being alone for all that time and all the things that might happen to him and don't say they won't happen ... they might and i can't stop them ... so he needs a slap for being so selfish as to go off and leave me fretting ... and the mad thing is that i am not a worrier

just before christmas having a friend disclose that they were abused when they were young and holding their hand as they go through the police/statement/court thing is hard and emotional and touches on so many of my own hurts and tender areas ... but knowing that absolute caring is so important because i would never have managed without it so it is only right that they get the same

being daunted by the advocacy thing and how much there is to learn and being terrified of getting it wrong ... it's not like fluffing a line on stage or missing a cue ... this time if you mess up it could affect young people

so you see ... if i unpack that lot not only could i be here for weeks i would need therapy support not comment support :)

and sometimes writing it down makes you cry ... and somehow you look at all that pain of asia and think me and my small town worries ... i am still alive ... fed ... warm ... loved ... and i am here and not there ... what do i have to whine about ... really

normal service will be resumed as and when i can write about it ...


Sally said...

Steve, this is stuff we all struggle with. I pour all sorts of crap and rubbish out in my blog, but still think only three or four people read it, so that's alright....

Like you, I thought, God, 150,000 people have died in Asia. Then I found I knew one, and then I cried..ridiculous, isnt it?

Our lives are both shallow and deep at the same I have a bath or a shower? Which one of my 23 t shirts or jumpers shall I put on? Blue jeasn or black jeans? Does my bum look big in this? Yes, but, hello, does it matter????

Remember, the therapist is in. I'm not that good, but I'm cheap (and you know my box number...)

Kathryn said...

Steve love, I guess I might have been among those 6 (as if, mr were never going to draw a small audience, as I suspect you know really ;-)) and can only say that it's good to hear from you in whatever state you find yourself. Can only endorse what you and Sally say about angst re who actually is or might be reading...
And meanwhile, you've given your friends stuff to think /pray about as opposed to a generalised fretting along the "I do hope steve's OK, it's ages since he blogged" line...
Take care with all of it