Saturday, February 10, 2007

facing failure

I had this plan ... i made sure that i had no cigarettes on me ... none left at all
... I went on a long flight with long delays and lots of standing about before and afterwards ... i just craved a cigarette ... so i smoked
only now i am smoking with guilt ... which takes the edge of the pleasure

then i came home and berated myself and told myself i could do it
I picked a day ... stopped smoking ... and ... lasted 24 hours

disgusted with myself i tried again a few days later ... and ... managed 48 hours

so i am now locked in this cycle of smoking ... stopping ... breaking down and smoking again ... i used to like smoking this has completly ruined it

facing the fact that i am an addict ... that it really does have this grip on me ... is not pleasant ... i imagined i was stronger than that ... based on who knows what because i have never done anything particularly brave or strong

I now have moments where i am disgusted with the fact that i can't seem to beat it ... that i might not have that much will power ... i may need therapy to deal with the repercussions of trying to give up smoking

it is quite hard to stay tigger like in the face of the crawling agony of craving
there is a whole discussion to be had around the issue of how this makes me feel about myself ... and i still want a cigarette ... just writing about it makes me want a cigarette

i hate nicotine chewing gum ... can't bring myself to use patches think they are weird (yeah i know but he will inhale smoke ... i never said this was logical)

i seem to have the desire to stop ... have good reasons to stop ... want to stop ... i just lack that one essential ingredient ... the amount of willpower needed to actually stop

maybe i need to go somewhere like my friends in Norway ... nobody in the house smoking ... miles from anywhere so can't buy them ... no car and no bus so i can't leave ... i'll just go and have a fag while i think about it ... kidding

have to try again ... if i ever do this i apologise for whatever is said or done along the way ... there is no way this is gonna be pleasant

1 comment:

Kathryn said...

Miserable. Poor you. Have a hug (pinning your arms to your sides briefly, so you can't get at the ciggies). No helpful experience to offer but lots of admiration that you're trying...x