Monday, September 27, 2004

on life and death

Been a bit of a week all in all
Deep breath …ready ?

My uncle died …them my mother’s sister died … then the man that abused me died (hurrah) … then I had to find my half brother who I hadn't spoken to for almost twenty years … now I have to attend two funerals on the same day

One in Colchester one in London … so my week reads like this …Monday: Interview with VCC (for a job that they have kept me waiting about six months … finally … oh and nice timing) … Tuesday: speaking at Holy Joes (and the subject … death!) … Wednesday: clean house and shop for food for relatives descending on house then go to Colchester overnight to stay in hotel all alone …Thursday go to funeral service then drive through London and go to second service …Friday first lazy penguin meeting with DFG …Saturday collapse nervous and emotional wreck …phew …keep it together don’t let them see the cracks … and people say I have no patience … of course I have fucking patience it’s just that normal people do not have the life I get to have ….arrrrgggghhhhh
I’m fine …no really I am ….breath and focus …. Calm …happy thoughts happy thoughts

death is a very weird experience ... so i gather ... grief kind of washes over you at odd moments and you miss the person, tinged with regret that you will never see them again. It keeps catching me at strange times when i least expect it. not really had to deal with much death or funerals so far in my life so i am not sure how to deal with it.

i have to go to an interview today for a job as an Advocate ... something that has been pending forever, worried that when they ask me if i have any questions i will ask them why it took them so long to interview me when they said they wanted to over six months ago and why would i want to work for such a shoddy outfit ... but i guess that will not endear me to them or indeed help me to get the job ... being myself seems to be the best option ... being an advocate for children seems such a briliiant thing to do (basically you get called in to help young people to convey what they need to say to social workers etc ... sometimes enpowering them to do it and sometimes speaking on their behalf) ... wish they had been around when i was young would have made a difference to my life ... and i guess i want this quite badly ... it feels like one of those things i could do and it would feel like i was making a difference ... well if i do it right

the idea of two funerals in one day is a bit daunting but i suppose it is mostly about turning up and being there and avoiding cliches like the plague :) ... note to self: must not giggle or make inappropriate remarks

not sure if i will get back here often in the next week there is so much to do and so little time but i will write when i can ... we need a wireless connected country i don't imagine that colchester hotels have wireless internet connections ... i doubt if Colchester has electricity :)


Kathryn said...

Oh poor love...nightmare week. Quantities of hugs, prayers and virtual gins heading your way,- will be thinking of you such alot. I wonder when the interview is does indeed sound just right for you,- so I'll potter off to light a candle now. Keep us posted
K xxx

1 i z said...

Hope interview went well - I think you'd be truly great at being an advocate. And hey it's not often you hear me being sincere now is it?

Will be thinking of you on Thursday - take care of yourself...

Sally said...

Steve, we'll all be with you, so keep the giggling and inappropriate comments in your head, we'll be there.... thinking of you, and you'll be a brilliant advocate. Sxxxx

Kathryn said...

Thursday night hope it has all gone Ok.
Thinking of you: go carefully
Kathryn x